Crazy Paranoid Lady

6 Jan

Seems like there’s a crime spree going on in Greenville. This week, one of my dear friends was robbed mid-day while she was at work. The bastards destroyed her house, took a ton of stuff and lots of jewelry with sentimental value and left her feeling quite violated. Then, the little old lady who lives across the street from us was burglarized at night while she slept. She’s hard of hearing and apparently didn’t hear when they kicked in the door. Guess it’s a good thing she didn’t wake up – who knows what might’ve happened if she had woken. Fortunately, she wasn’t harmed.

Normally, I’m not too paranoid, and I’ve always felt pretty safe in our neighborhood. But The Hubs may go out of town for a couple of days in the near future, and I’m a little skeeved out. When I woke up for Baby E’s mid-night feeding last night, I couldn’t help but think about what I would do if someone tried to kick in my door in the middle of the night.

These thoughts crossed my mind a few years ago when The Hubs was an auditor and would travel for weeks at a time. Basically, my plan would be to hide in one of my carefully selected hiding places or quietly squeeze out the window and run like hell while calling 911.

But what would I do with a baby? Well that just throws a wrench in my crazy lady plans. Hiding obviously wouldn’t work, as Baby E usually isn’t quiet when I need him to be. I guess we would go out the window, but getting the baby out along with myself would add time to my escape. So I was sitting there in the dark planning window-escape logistics. If I heard someone trying to break in through one of the doors, I could hop up and lock the bedroom door. Then I would slip on shoes thoughtfully placed by the side of the bed, open the window, bust out the screen and grab the baby. But I don’t know if I could safely get the baby and myself out of the window at the same time. It’s not a very high window, but it’s old and doesn’t open all the way and I don’t know if both of us could fit through at the same time. So maybe I would need a large blanket or sheet so I could lower Baby E out then hop out myself. See…Crazy. Paranoid. Lady.

But what if there wasn’t enough time for all of that? The Hubs suggested barricading the bedroom door with a dresser and wedging it with the closet door. He also has a set of samurai swords. So, you know, I could go all Kill Bill on somebody’s ass. Which I guess would be fine as long as a gun wasn’t involved. I just don’t know if I’d be fast enough to deflect bullets with my samurai sword.

Beware, would-be robbers!

Aside from doing some rush training in martial arts, I guess I’ll just do the logical thing and triple-check door and window locks and make sure that the alarm system is fully armed when I go to bed. I haven’t been doing this because it involves motion sensors that I’m sure I’ll forget about when I stumble down the hall for a 4 a.m. diaper change. To my neighbors, I sincerely apologize in advance.

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One Response to “Crazy Paranoid Lady”

  1. K January 6, 2012 at 7:21 PM #

    I’m laughing so hard right now, Oh good, oh good, oh good, I’m not the only one! When my husband is out of town I get to thinking too much. Then he comes back and surveys the room, and he’s like, what’s all this for? Oh the bottle of rubbing alcohol, I explain, is to throw in someone’s face. And then the salt rock lamp is there to hit them in the head while they’re blinded. And then the knife is for stabbing if they still won’t get out of the way. The sheets are all tied together so we could get out the window if there were a fire. And that’s why the baby backpack is up here. What?

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